Happy! Not everyone wants to be happy. Some people like to be the saddest sado sailing on the sea of sadness. Now,if you relate to the latter, save this article, print this article, store it in the safest, saddest place you can find on this planet, because this, is your manual on “How to maximize your misery”. And to the people who are still wondering if they should continue to read, you should, so you understand how easy it is to achieve misery over happiness. I am going to give you 5 easy steps to follow-
STEP 1- Stay Still
Stop what you are doing,go home,stay indoors.Stay there for as long as possible,preferably in the same room.Become the pile of books that you never read-static,indolent. Avoid any hard work and keep the reward chemicals out of your brain because it could lure you into doing things.A static lifestyle calls for sickness, which again calls for a static life and keeps you in the loop.So, do that.Stillness is the most effective and most important tool for you to achieve misery. Eat,sleep,play and watch stuff, all in one room. This brings us to the next step.
STEP 2- Mess with your sleep
This is easiest step in this guide, so follow it till the end.Never have a proper sleep cycle, keep them short and variable. Don't let your body clock figure out your sleep schedule. Let Insomnia be your co-captain on the sea of sadness. Not only will it make your life a living hell, it will also help curb your productivity, which might otherwise lure you into turning your boat around. Tell yourself you are doing the right thing even if you feel nauseated, because that is the goal. Irregular sleep is the accelerating current in this sea, the more irregular it is, the harder it is to sleep regularly, which in turn welcomes more irregular sleep.Not sleeping properly is the goal.
Step 3-Screen Time
This one is a no-brainer. Infact, you are doing it right now, perfectly. Maximise your screen time. Spend as much time staring at a screen as you possibly can. Don't let this beautiful world divert you from your goal. You can even use this step to achieve the ones above. Boredom can make you active, so let the screen entertain you. Tiredness can drive you to your destination- sleep, so let the screen be the barricade, as long as possible. This can sometimes not be enough, so, wake up to it. Shove it in your face the minute you open your eyes. Every moment away from it, is a moment wasted towards happiness.
Step 4- Fuel your negativity.
Use step three to help achieve this step. Let the screen feed your anger and anxiety over things you cannot control. Be informed while doing absolutely nothing. Do not look towards things that you care about as that might motivate you to move and you don’t want to do that. If you do have to contribute to other humans around you, do it in tiny and meaningless ways and be disappointed about the lack of change that it has brought about.
Step 5- Set High Goals.
If you are following all the above steps, you already are very close to your goal. But, there is still a part of your brain that might just save you by setting SMART(Specific Measurable Actionable Responsible and Time-Bound) goals, but the whole point of this article is to not do that. So,fool your brain,set VAPID(Vague Ambiguous Pie in the sky Irrelevant Delayed) goals. Smash the glass of sense and make everything unclear. If motivation strikes,aim ridiculously high which will guarantee failure. “I will read the whole subject in a day” instead of “ I will divide this subject over a month”. This should and will distract the productive part of your brain very nicely. This will turn your brain into a nag, a burden that you will carry life long.
Step 6- Look for Ultimate Happiness
Yes,Ironic yet effective, set sail towards the mirage of Ultimate happiness. You will achieve the opposite. Let me help you on this one. Imagine happiness as an island where happy people are happy all the time. This will turn happiness into a feeling that doesn't exist. Unlike true happiness, Ultimate happiness isn’t a bird that may land on your ship if you work on it and sail your ship into warmer waters.
Hope this guide helps you achieve what you are looking for and for any further assistance, refer to the book “How to be miserable” by Randy J. Paterson. So stay miserable, join the loner club, and who knows, we might end up meeting someday.
Okay, Byeee! (Until the next time, obviously).